Chapter Twenty Five

 May 2003

Perth is getting colder. Winter is approaching. 

   We go to a park to see black swans. They are smaller, less ballerina-looking than white swans. Steve makes a show of boredom at them. He's seen them before.

   'But are they actual swans, or just birds that look like swans?' I'm wondering out loud.

   'They're swans,' says Steve, 'they just evolved differently like people evolved to have different skin colours in different parts of the world.'

   I don't know if that's true or if he's just making things up to look clever.

   In the hostel a Dutch man talks about the strength of swans, how they could break your arm.

   'That's just a fallacy,' says Steve.

   The Dutch man shakes his head. 'It's not a fallacy.' He stares seriously at Steve. I think there is a note of disgust in his eyes. 'They are very dangerous.'

   'He doesn't know what he's talking about,' Steve says to me later. 'Of course swans can't break your bloody arm.'

   I think the Dutch man is right but I can't tell Steve that, he would only accuse me of fancying him.

A big group of us go out to a club again. There's no football on tonight so Steve comes too.

   I dance, twirling, swirling, smiling, letting the rhythm take over. Steve won't dance. He stays by the bar getting drunker. Louis takes my hand and spins me round. He's a little bit camp and I think he's probably gay.

   Steve's hand grips my arm. His fingers press into my bone. He pulls me out of the dance.

   'I want to get pizza,' he says.

   I look at him, look at the dancers. I don't know if he's telling me he's going or telling me we're going. He pulls me towards the door.

   Outside he doesn't look at me, just scowls as he strides along and I scurry to keep up. 

   He walks into a pizza place and I follow. The woman at the till doesn't smile as he slurs his order. Her hands shake as she presses the buttons. I am ashamed to be with him now. I want to tell the woman she doesn't need to be afraid, he'd never hurt anyone.

   We sit down with the pizza. I reach for the slice nearest me. He puts his hand on my arm to stop me and points to a slice cut thinner than the rest. 

   'That's your slice,' he says.

   I watch him eat the rest of the pizza.

   'You think just because you're thin and pretty you can do anything you like,' he says as we walk back to the hostel. I don't know what he's talking about.

   In the morning he asks me if we had pizza last night.

   'Why?' I say.

   'I just woke up feeling like I've eaten pizza but I don't remember eating pizza.'

   'You ate pizza, I just had one tiny little slice because you wouldn't let me have any more.'

   'I wouldn't stop you eating,' he says. 'It's not like you don't need it.' He presses his hand against my stomach. 'If I tried to pinch an inch it would take all your intestines and guts.'

   But he did stop me.

   In the kitchen one of the girls asks me where we disappeared to last night.

   We went to get pizza,' I say.

   'Oh.' She nods. 'Nice.' Her voice sounds doubtful. I think she's going to say something else, but Steve comes and puts his arm round me. She walks away and his grip on me tightens.

Chapter Twenty Six