Chapter Thirty Five

 July 2003

Back in Sydney. Full circle. I thought it would feel like coming home but there's something missing.

   Friends. Excitement. Hope. Freedom.

I book into a hostel in King's Cross, just a short walk from the flat I lived in in Woolloomooloo. It means navigating what we called the death stairs, a long, steep flight of steps, every time I go to the city centre.

   I go to the pie cart in Woolloomooloo. I never went when I lived here. I should have done. I buy a curry pie. I never liked hot, spicy food before but now I crave it. Steve loves his food as spicy as possible. Maybe the baby takes after him. Maybe- Stop thinking that. There can't be a baby.

I feel uneasy walking around the city. I keep expecting Adam or Nick to appear round every corner. I see that large black eye staring out of every shadow. It's only in the botanic gardens that I feel safe, under the branches hanging with sleeping bats. I long for wings to wrap myself up in.

 Steve emails. He wants me to go back to Perth for his Birthday. He says I could get a cheap last minute flight then change my flight to New Zealand to leave from Perth.

   I tell him I wish I could but I can't afford to. I don't have enough money but I also can't afford for him to see my growing, rounding stomach.

   There was a reason I didn't tell him, a reason I was glad to get away before he noticed my jeans getting tighter.

   Fear.

   Fear of what he might do. I picture him punching me in the stomach till I bleed the baby out.

   That's ridiculous. He wouldn't hurt me.

   Except for when he did.

   He replies saying he was only joking. I wonder if it was some kind of test of how far I would go for him.

   I assume I failed.

I buy Steve a card, sweets, a pen. I write a stupid poem and post them to him at the hostel in Perth. I hope it will make up for me not being there.

I'm lying under the covers in my bed in the hostel. The other girls are talking. Someone new comes in.

   'Not that bed!' someone says. 'She's in there.'

   'Wow, she must be thin,' another voice says. 'If I was in there you'd see a massive lump.'

   Maybe my stomach isn't as large as I think it is. Maybe I've become anorexic and I'm imagining this bulging roundness. Maybe I haven't had a period for so long because I'm actually really thin.

   Maybe I'm clutching at straws.

I phone Steve on his Birthday. I left my mobile with him so I call him on it using a pay phone. We love each other. We miss each other so much. We'll be together in Asia before we know it. I'm not going to let the fact that he's so far away get between me and cake on his Birthday. I run out of change before we can say goodbye.

I buy presents for my friends and family back home. So soon I'll be returning. I don't want to go back. But I have to. The baby. No. The baby doesn't exist.

   I email Steve and tell him not to forget about me just because I'll be in a different country. He says his labouring job has finished and he can't find more work so he's going back to Broome for the sunshine.

   I go to see the bats one last time.

   I'll miss them.

Chapter Thirty Six