Wicked Game

  May 2003 I'm going away for a few days, on a tour of the rural areas south of Perth. Steve isn't coming. He's already been. He needs to look for a job.     I wish he was coming, that instead of joining a tour it could be just the two of us travelling together. Like it was before.    In the morning before I leave he's still asleep. I bend down to kiss him goodbye. Maybe my wet hair drips on him. He jerks violently away before I get close. I feel like a ghost on the tour, like some kind of invisible presence causing a slight sense of unease in everyone.    Two of the men get very drunk on the first night and stay drunk for the rest of the trip. We climb precarious feeling ladders. One of the women comments to another that it's irresponsible of the tour guide to let the drunk men do that.    At lunchtimes there are apples, the tour guide tells us we can eat as many as we want. I eat three and I still want more.     We walk ...

  May 2003 I go to Rottnest Island for a day. I want Steve to come with me but he says he's already been and it's not worth going again.     I am disappointed he doesn't think it's worth going just to be with me.    I am sick on the boat and the nausea lingers as I walk and bus around the island.    Maybe it's better that I've come without Steve. As I watch the seals at Cathedral Rock I feel clouds  disappear from my mind. The seals flip and twist, their dark bodies graceful and lithe in the water. They look like different species from the slow, fat seals on the rocks.    Steve and I, are we different species? Me, the streamlined dancing creature, and him the lumpen, lethargic animal?    But just as the seals in the water and the seals on the rocks are the same animals, maybe Steve and I are the same in some way that I can't define. Why else would we have been drawn together?    I walk, keeping my eyes peeled for...

  May 2003 Steve and I go to the pub quiz again. Only Tom comes with us this time. Rachel is working.    The quizmaster asks what the 'C' in CNN stands for.    'Cable,' says Steve.    'Really? I thought it would be central,' I say.    'I thought it was central,' says Tom.    'Its definitely cable,' says Steve.    I'm holding the pen. I don't know what to write.      'Two against one for central,' says Tom.    I write central.     'It's cable,' says Steve.    Steve is in the toilet when the answers are read out.    'The 'C' in CNN stands for cable,' says the quizmaster.    'Steve was right,' says Tom.    'Yeah,' I say.    'Don't tell him.'     I shake my head. I'm not sure why we shouldn't tell him, but I think I sense a warning note in Tom's voice.    Tom leaves after the quiz, going to meet Rachel after ...

  May 2003 Perth is getting colder. Winter is approaching.     We go to a park to see black swans. They are smaller, less ballerina-looking than white swans. Steve makes a show of boredom at them. He's seen them before.    'But are they actual swans, or just birds that look like swans?' I'm wondering out loud.    'They're swans,' says Steve, 'they just evolved differently like people evolved to have different skin colours in different parts of the world.'    I don't know if that's true or if he's just making things up to look clever.    In the hostel a Dutch man talks about the strength of swans, how they could break your arm.    'That's just a fallacy,' says Steve.    The Dutch man shakes his head. 'It's not a fallacy.' He stares seriously at Steve. I think there is a note of disgust in his eyes. 'They are very dangerous.'    'He doesn't know what he's talking about,' Steve says to me later...

  May 2003 In the hostel in Perth there is a sense of community. People sit and chat at the picnic tables in the courtyard. This is where Steve stayed when he first arrived in Australia. The owners, a married couple, remember him.    He talks to the male owner about his ex girlfriend.    'After five years together she just walked out,' he says. 'Now I don't trust women anymore.' He shoots me a look. 'Even if they seem nice.'    'I'm not nice,' I say but I don't think anyone hears me.    We go to a pub quiz with people from the hostel.    'We need a team name,' someone says.    I remember the name of one of the quiz teams in an episode of The Office. 'Stephen Hawkings' Football Boots,' I say.    A woman from the hostel laughs. 'You've got quite a dark sense of humour, haven't you?'    I feel Steve tense next to me. I wasn't supposed to say that. I wasn't supposed to be dark or funny.    We name...

  May 2003 We are in Perth. It feels strange to be in a city again. I feel strange. I feel wrong.    Steve sings the Frank Sinatra song Love and Marriage. I wonder if he's trying to scare me away by pretending to be too keen. I wonder if I'm paranoid.    It's our last few weeks together. I will travel along the south coast soon, and Steve, who has been all round Australia now will stay here and look for work.    We stay in a twin room instead of a dorm. A twin room is cheaper than a double. As soon as we are in he pulls off my clothes, pushing me on to the bed, his hands all over me, just in case I forgot who I belong to.    We go to a pub in the evening. Steve finishes his drink before me and goes to the toilet. Someone takes his empty glass away and I am sitting alone with my drink.    A man walks up to me.    'Don't sit here on your own,' he says, 'come and join us.' He has a Manchester accent.    I shake my h...