About

From 2002 to 2003 I travelled in Australia.

I did not expect it to change my life forever.

Instead of a story of beaches and koalas I ended up with a story of trauma and betrayal. A story of an unplanned pregnancy I had no idea how to deal with.

Other than names everything I will write here will be true, but memory is fallible and my interpretation of events will of course be biased. Perhaps other people involved would see things differently. They are free to tell their stories if they wish, but this is mine.

I made the decision to mark this blog as containing adult content. Without a certain amount of candidness I don't believe I can tell this story fully. I do not intend to be gratuitous, just honest.

           Seeing clearly now

Prologue

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Prologue

Image
January 2004 The walls shift. A face looms from the pattern of mould in the corner. My mind weaves between shadows. I don't know where I am. My body is soaked in some one else's sweat. I am crushed by his weight, torn apart by the pain that thrusts through me. I don't know how I got here. Something turns in my stomach. I open my eyes. I'm not in that room. I got out. I left Sydney, left Australia. I touch the wall, feel the rough lumps of polyfilla that I know as well as I know my own scars. It's a year later and I'm back in England, in my childhood bedroom. Inside me the baby kicks. I put my hands on my stomach. Soon it will be over. A dim light illuminates the animal print curtains. Outside is a broken world of terrorism, weapons of mass destruction and men. I can't keep this baby safe. I can't keep this baby. I don't know how I got here. Rape Crisis Chapter One
Read more

Chapter One

Image
  November 2002 It's a warm summer night. Above the white sails of the opera house the full moon is circled by a bright halo. Its reflection is hazy in the dark sea. We are here for my flatmate, James's Birthday. A group of backpackers in our best clothes, more suited to seedy nightclubs than an evening watching a classical orchestra. Inside we are uncertain how to act. James closes his eyes to appreciate the music. Henry falls asleep. I stare hard at the musicians, watching their individual movements come together to create this huge swell of music. I've been in Sydney for two months and it feels like home. I love the Botanic Gardens that curve around the bay and the trees hanging with sleeping bats. I love the way I can never find Darling Harbour when I'm looking for it but sometimes I'll turn a corner and there it is. I'm on my second job since I've arrived. After a month in a call centre I now work for a mail order company assembling cheap toys in a fact...
Read more

Chapter Four

Image
  January 2003 I'm on the Oz Experience bus waiting to leave Sydney. The Doors' People Are Strange is playing through the speakers. All these strangers on the bus, I seem to see them through a gauzy veil that I am trapped behind.     I still smell of Nick.     What I thought happened can't have happened. He was nice afterwards. He talked to me. He brought me water. He drove me home. I kissed him. It can't have happened.      But I was unconcs-     I push the thought out of my mind. It. Didn't. Happen. I was just the kind of slut who had sex with two men in one night.      The bus takes us through rural areas. We watch a sheep being sheared. We learn to crack whips and throw boomerangs. I can't get the boomerang to come back. On Wednesday evening we arrive in Byron Bay. The bus driver announces the name of a pub for everyone to meet up in later.     As I wait for my backpack to be unloaded an older couple from the...
Read more