Chapter Twenty Eight

 May 2003

I'm going away for a few days, on a tour of the rural areas south of Perth. Steve isn't coming. He's already been. He needs to look for a job. 

   I wish he was coming, that instead of joining a tour it could be just the two of us travelling together. Like it was before.

   In the morning before I leave he's still asleep. I bend down to kiss him goodbye. Maybe my wet hair drips on him. He jerks violently away before I get close.

I feel like a ghost on the tour, like some kind of invisible presence causing a slight sense of unease in everyone.

   Two of the men get very drunk on the first night and stay drunk for the rest of the trip. We climb precarious feeling ladders. One of the women comments to another that it's irresponsible of the tour guide to let the drunk men do that.

   At lunchtimes there are apples, the tour guide tells us we can eat as many as we want. I eat three and I still want more. 

   We walk through a forest, the sun slanting between trees. The tour guide says when you see the woods like this you understand why people chain themselves to trees to save them from chainsaws.

   Kangaroos hop around. One of the women says she thinks a kangaroo would make a good partner.

   'Not for that,' she says, 'but to go to the cinema with.'

   I don't drink in the evening when the others do. I feel like I shouldn't. But... I can't be pregnant. I'm not the kind of person who has big, dramatic things like unplanned pregnancy happen to them. But... My stomach. It's not as flat as it used to be. A tiny, almost imperceptible bulge has formed. 

   We visit a fudge shop. I buy some for Steve. Soon, I think, I will be leaving Perth I just need my stomach to stay flat until then. And then- I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just need to keep it from Steve.

   This isn't happening. It can't happen. 

   On the bus one of the men, Sven, asks a riddle:

   'What do poor people have that rich people want, and if you eat it you die?'

   Steve asked me this riddle once, it seems so long ago. He told me the answer but I can't remember. We are all puzzling over it.

   'Money?' someone says. 'You would die if you ate it.'

   'No, poor people don't have money.'

   The answer comes to me. 'Nothing.'

   'Who said that?'

   'Me.' I raise my hand.

   'So the prize is...' one of the drunk men says. He mutters to Sven. 'Would you shag Amy?' I hear him say.

   'The prize is a date with Sven,' says the drunk man. 

   I don't know if he's serious or not. 

   'No,' I say.

I am back with Steve in the hostel. He stayed in a dorm while I was away but now we're back in our room.

   'How much did you miss me?' he says.

   'This much.' I hug him tightly.

   'You give the best cuddles,' he says.

In the morning we eat breakfast in the courtyard.

   'I'll do the washing up,' says Steve.

   I watch him go. There is a girl in there doing something facing the window. A big grin appears on her face as Steve enters, singing.

   She fancies him.

   I look at her. She is stocky. I am willowy. Her grin is idiotic. I am clever.

   If I'm Steve's type then she definitely isn't.

   Nothing to worry about.

   He comes out and we go to our room. He smiles and wraps his arms round me, pulling me into a kiss. I go to close the curtain and see the girl in the kitchen window opposite staring, mouth open.

   'What's been happening while I was away?' I say, later.

   'There's a new girl here,' he says. 'Samantha. She's got recipe cards her mum made her.' 

   I know he's talking about the girl in the kitchen window.

   'Aww,' I say. 'Is she eighteen?'

   'No, she's twenty. I don't think she's been away from home much.'

   In the evening we're sitting with the others in the courtyard. I feel hands on my shoulders and turn to see Louis. He kisses my cheek. 

   'Welcome back,' he says 

   I smile. Apart from Steve he's the only person who seems to have noticed I'd been gone.

   Steve scowls. 'This is Louis,' he mutters.

   'I know,' I say. 

   'Oh, yeah, I forgot.'

   What did he forget? 

   Me?

Chapter Twenty Nine