Chapter Three

 January 2003

It's our last Saturday night in Sydney. On Monday we will all go our separate ways; north, south, west. We are on the subway, drunk and going to get drunker. 

    James teases me about my appearance in photos, the way my narrow face and dark grey eyes look demonic under the camera's gaze.

    'I'm not evil.' I point my finger at him. He bites it.

    'You are evil.' He leans back in his seat. 'And your fingers taste nice.'

    'What do they taste like?'

    'Salty.'

    Later, by the ATM Rosie says, 'Why don't you just snog him?'

    'He's nineteen,' I say. A three and a half year age gap seems as wide as the ocean.

    We are dancing in a nightclub. Then- I am kissing someone. A man with dark curly hair and glasses. I don't know who he is so I just keep kissing him. He grabs my wrist and pulls me through a door. I see the picture on it. The men's toilets. We are in a cubicle. He pulls down his trousers.

    We are outside.

    'Can we go back in?' he says.

    The bouncer nods.

    He pulls me into the backseat of a car. The driver turns and smiles at me. He is large with long black hair.

    'What's your name?' says the curly haired man.

    'Amy.'

    'I'm Adam,' he says.

    'Hi Amy, I'm Nick.' The driver grins.

    'Have you got something?' says Adam. His hands reach under my clothes.

    'What?' I say.

    'Have you got AIDS?'

    'No.'

    'Are you lying?'

    I shake my head.

    'You'd better not be lying.'

    We are in a small living room. Adam and I sit on the sofa. Nick sits on a chair opposite. Nick picks up a guitar and sings. I can't make out the words or the tune. His eyes are huge and dark.

    They pass round a bong.

    Adam slides his hands into my jeans, under my top. Nick stares.

    Adam says something to Nick. Words slide together. Nick nods. Adam pulls me up, through the door and upstairs to a bedroom.

    'Take your clothes off,' he says. 

    I don't want to. I don't know how to.

    He pushes me onto the bed. 

    My mind fights through a forest of shadows. I am paralysed and broken by the weight on top of me. The darkness clears for a moment. I glimpse long black hair, giant brown eyes. I slip back into darkness. Shadows ebb and flow. I am slick with Nick's sweat. Finally he is asleep next to me.

    I get up and find the bathroom. Back in the room I see my clothes on the floor. For a moment I picture myself dressed running out into the night. Shadows crowd my mind. My body feels like lead.

    I wake. Nick's arm is over me, trapping me like an iron bar. Sunlight filters through the curtain. His face is close to mine. He opens his eyes. I freeze. One large eye seems to fill my whole vision. He kisses me. And I- 

    I kiss him.

    I am conscious. I am lucid. I could say no.

    He is more than twice my size. I don't know where I am. No one knows where I am.

    I lie there and wait for him to finish. Each time.

    I am sitting on the edge of the bed. His forehead creases.

    'How old are you, anyway?' he says.

    'Twenty-two.' My voice is a cracked whisper. 'How old are you?'

    'Twenty-two.'

    He asks if I want anything. Food. Drink.

    I ask for water.

    He seems to be gone for ages. I find my bag on the floor and pull out my phone. I text Shelley. I tell her I'm sorry I disappeared last night. I'll be back soon. He comes back with a glass of water.

    'Where are you from?' he says.

    'I'm from England.'

    'No, I mean where are you staying? I'll drive you home.'

    'Woolloomooloo.'

    'Where the pie cart is.'

    I nod.

    'So, an English girl. How long are you here for?'

    'I'm leaving Sydney tomorrow.' My mind is knotted and twisted. I can't untangle it, can't see how it's possible I am having a normal conversation with this man.

    'Where are you going?'

    'Up the east coast.'

    'You're gonna love it there.'

    I dress. He hugs me, squeezing the breath out of me.

    On the landing I hear loud music coming from downstairs. It's instrumental with a dominant drumbeat. There is a blond man in the living room.

    'This is Dan,' says Nick.

    I nod. Dan scowls at me and walks out of the room.

    Outside I see the road sign. 'St Peters.' 

    I am back here again.

    Nick drops me off round the corner from my flat. We kiss goodbye.

    I walk through the door. The others are in the living room. They clap and cheer. I force myself to smile.

    'Where were you?' says Shelley.

    'St Peters.'

    'Where the factory is?' says Henry.

    'How did you get there?' says Shelley.

    'He drove.'

    'Was he sober enough to drive?' says Toby.

    'Yes.'

    'It was the same guy you were with in the club?' says Shelley.

    I hunch my shoulders.

    'Amy, please tell me it was the same guy.' Shelley's face looks sharp.

    'It was his friend.'

    Toby laughs. 'His friend.'

    I shower but I still smell of Nick.

   

Rape Crisis

Chapter Four