Chapter Twenty One

 April 2003

We are in Exmouth, here for the Ningaloo Reef. We snorkel, taking it in turns. I glide over the coral, watching anemones wave in the water. 

   That world looks so much better than the one I live in. I would like to be a mermaid and dive to the sea bed and stay there forever.

   Perhaps I am a mermaid and I traded my voice for legs. I look up at Steve lying on the beach in the distance. Whoever my prince is, it's not him. Kissing him has done nothing.

   Beneath me something moves. A long grey fish with a finned body. A reef shark. I watch, mesmerised for a moment before I am struck by fear.

   A shark.

   They say reef sharks are harmless, they never attack humans. What if it doesn't recognise me as human? I swim back quickly to the shore.

   Steve adjusts the mask so he can use it, pulling the straps out to accommodate his much bigger head. 

   'I must have a bigger head for my big brain,' he says.

   I tap his head. 'Sounds hollow.'

   The straps are awkward, difficult to adjust.

   'Next time, stay in the sea longer,' Steve says.  'There's no point doing this every five minutes.'

   Why can't I get anything right?

Steve goes on a trip to see whale sharks. It's too expensive for me. 

   'I can't afford to pay for you as well,' he says.

   I would never expect him to, even if he could afford to.

   I spend the day drifting round the beach, the town. I walk up a hill. I swim.

The water in the hostel is salty, except for one tap of desalinated water for drinking. It judders when it's turned on. I accidentally fill my water bottle from the wrong tap. The taste of salt stays in my mouth, in the bottle for days.

The day before my Birthday Steve takes me out for a meal. I have Mars bar cheesecake for desert. 

   'Two of my favourite foods in one,' I say. 'I can die happy now.'

   'You'll be the oldest girlfriend I've ever had,' says Steve.

   'No,' I say. That can't be right, that at nearly twenty eight he's never had a girlfriend older than twenty two.

   'Most of my ex-girlfriends are older than you are now,' he says. 'But they weren't when I was with them.

   I do the maths in my head. He was twenty six when he broke up with his girlfriend of five years. If she was no older than twenty two then, then she must have been seventeen or under when they got together. And he was twenty one.

   That's wrong I think. The age gap at those ages, too much.

   I thought I was an exception. A younger woman who was clever enough, mature enough that he could see me as an equal.

   But maybe he's a predator and I'm just part of a pattern.

   I should break up with him. But he just bought me dinner. And we're still travelling together. And he says he loves me.

   As it turns midnight, as it turns into my Birthday, things feel strange. Is it really my Birthday now, or will it not be until it reaches that date in the UK.

   My twin brother at home is still twenty two. But I am twenty three. He is the older twin but now I am older. 

We wake early on my Birthday and get the bus to Coral Bay.

Chapter Twenty Two