Chapter Thirty One

 June 2003

I travel in the Oz Experience bus along the Great Ocean Road.

   Time is still out of joint. What did Steve do to my mind? There is an invisible wall between me and the others on the bus.

   Steve built that wall. Without me noticing he piled up the bricks that separate me from the rest of the world. I don't think I'm strong enough to knock it down.

   We see the Twelve Apostles, stacks of limestone that stand in the sea. There are only nine of them. I wonder if three of them walked away into the sea. Maybe if I wait long enough the others will go too and I can follow them.

   Koalas yawn at me in trees. Sometimes the bus has to stop to let kangaroos cross the road.

   On a beach in the evening we stand facing the sea. Fairy penguins emerge one by one, waddling past us as they run to their burrows for the night. In the dusky light I can make out the bluish tinge to their feathers. Near me a tall man stands with his legs apart. He is so still he could be made of stone. A penguin waddles between his legs.

   We climb the Grampians, clambering over slippery rocks. I want to hide in the rushing waterfalls. It's so tiring. Everything is tiring.

   The bus driver sees me fall behind. 'Are you sure you should be doing this?' he says.

   I don't know if he has noticed my stomach or if he just thinks I'm weak 

   'Yes,' I say, quickly without looking at him. He can't have noticed my stomach. There is nothing to notice. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. If I think it enough it'll have to be true.

   We stand at the Pinnacle at the top, jutting rocks hanging in the sky. The view of the green mountains, the cool blue reservoir stretches out forever. I am tempted to climb over the fence into that forever, escape this now. I back away.

   At night I wake feeling like the blood in my leg has been replaced by lead. I am paralysed by pain for a moment until I can rub the cramp away.

     Why is my body doing this to me?


Chapter Thirty Two


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