Chapter Twenty Nine

 May 2003

Our days together are running out. 

   'But we'll soon be together again, in Asia,' Steve says.

   I nod. It seems so far into the future. I wrap my arms around my stomach. 

   Will I even be able to go to Asia? 

   I picture myself backpacking with a baby. That's not possible. Not possible because I'm not pregnant. I'm not I'm not I'm not.

   'We've spent so much time together I feel like I've known you for three years,' Steve says.

   'You sound quite bitter about that,' I say.

   He puts on a mock annoyed voice. 'Three bloody years I've known you...'

   Steve says he's seen a job in a pie factory advertised.

   'There's no way anyone would let you work in a pie factory,' I say, 'they'd take one look at you and...'

   'What's with the fat jokes?' he says.

   'Who said it was a joke?' I say. I raise my eyebrows.

   Later in the pub with the others from the hostel a girl says, 'Sorry, but you're not going to get a job in a pie factory.'

   'That's what Amy said,' says Steve. 'She said they'd take one look at me.'

We are in our room at night. Naked. He pushes me onto my bed so I am lying face down. His hands knead my buttocks, pull them apart.

   No.

   I think it but I can't say it. I'm frozen. He won't. He won't he won't. Surely he won't. He knows I don't want to do this.

   If he just stops and says 'Are you sure you want to do this?' then I'll be able to speak and everything will be okay.

   He doesn't say it.

   Instead pain rips through me. I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this.

   He is shouting so loud his voice must be echoing through the hostel, they must all have been woken, must all be thinking so that's what he sees in her.

   The pain the hurt the pain the hurt the pain

   I can't take it anymore 

   The pain the hurt the pain the hurt the pain

   I just want him to finish quickly I just want this to be over

   The pain the hurt the pain the hurt the pain

   I let out a sob.

   He pulls out. 'Are you okay?'

   I cry.

   There is blood on his penis, blood on my body, blood on the sheets.

   'Did I do that?' he says.

   I nod.

   'I didn't know,' he says.

   He sits on his bed. His face distorts. He's Nick and Adam and the man at university all at once and also himself.

   He points at his penis. 'Do you want to suck it?'

   I think he's joking. I try to smile and shake my head.

   He comes back to my bed and puts his arms round me. He kisses me. He holds me. He falls asleep.

   I can't sleep. His arms are heavy on me. His body is stiflingly hot. 

   I move to his bed.

In the morning we're sitting at the picnic bench.  Another man is at the other end. I can't find a way to sit comfortably.

   Steve looks at me. 'I'm sorry,' he says.

   I shrug. There's nothing I can say now, not in front of someone else. Steve's given me no choice but to let it go.

It's my last night in Perth. We are in the pub. People are discussing whether Steve and I make a good couple.

   'She's shy, she's very shy,' says one man, 'and he has a baby face, so I think they go together.'

   'I do not have a baby face,' Steve says to me later.

   'No, no baby would look like you,' I say. But... I picture inside me... No. 

He walks me to the bus in the morning. 

   'Don't forget about me,' he says.

   'I'll try not to.'

   Looking out of the window I blow him a kiss. He pretends to catch it and put it in his pocket. He smiles a stupid smile.

   I think maybe I'll never see him again. I think maybe that'll be okay. 

   Except for...

   No. Don't think about what may be inside me. If I don't think about it it won't be real.