Chapter Forty Nine

 November 2003

My mum comes with me to my doctor's appointment.

   'He might think I'm forcing you to have the baby adopted,' she says.

   The doctor asks how I'm feeling about having a baby.

   'Actually,' my mum says, 'that's why I'm here with her. She thinks she wants to have the baby adopted.'

   The doctor says I need to contact Social Services. 


Steve emails. He says he'll be in Asia till at least June, so there'll be time for me to come and travel with him.

  I ask him if he's sure this is what he wants. If he's sure he doesn't want me to keep the baby. He says he's sure.

   I phone Social Services. 


I tell work I have an appointment with the health visitor. I'm sitting in the waiting room at Social Services opposite another pregnant young woman.

   Someone comes out. She looks at the other pregnant woman.

   'Amy Chapman?'

   'That's me,' I say, standing up as the other woman shakes her head.

   The social worker seems embarrassed.

   'I'm sorry, the other lady was pregnant too so I thought...'

   I nod. I don't know why she seems so flustered for a simple mix up.

   She talks me through what will happen. The baby will go to foster carers at birth while a suitable match is found. That should be quick, she says. A newborn baby who won't be born with an addiction, won't have suffered abuse, everyone will want that baby.

   Everyone except Steve.

   When I arrive at work late my supervisor asks if I'm okay. I say I am because how can I explain all the reasons I'm not?


Steve is in New Zealand. He says he's met a guy called Sam at a hostel in Auckland and they're going to hire a car together.

   I ask him how he managed to trick some poor innocent backpacker to travel with him. He says he'll try to find a few more people to share the car with so if one gets eaten it won't matter.

   He tells me he loves me. He misses me so much. He wishes he wasn't so far away from me so he could do more to help me. He feels guilty about my situation.

   I tell him not to feel guilty.

   It's my fault. It's all my fault.

   I wonder if he'll tell Sam he has a pregnant girlfriend. If he's told anyone. 

   I wonder if the only time he ever thinks of me is when he emails or phones.

  

My supervisor is cross with the rest of my team. Even though I was late in yesterday I still managed to input the most payments.


My mum tells me I've ruined my dad's plans of taking his grandchild to the zoo.

   'I said, maybe you wouldn't want us to take the child to the zoo, anyway. It's your child, it's up to you.'

   It doesn't feel like it's up to me. 

   It's up to Steve.


Chapter Fifty



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