Chapter Thirty

 June 2003

I'm in Adelaide. 

   Steve emails and says he nearly cried after I left. I don't believe him. I tell him I'm cold and I need his cuddles to keep me warm.

   I think my stomach is growing larger. I got away from Steve just in time, just before it became impossible to hide.

   I didn't really get away from Steve. I still feel his teeth in my neck, feel him violating my body.

   It was a violation what he did in Perth. It was r-

   No. No. No.

   This is the father of my child. He didn't. I must have let him. I must have let him. I must have let him.

   He's not the father of my child. There is no child.

   There are scales in the hostel. I weigh myself. I haven't weighed myself for months, not since I left home in September. I was about seven stone then. Now, fully clothed in jeans and two jumpers and shoes I am over ten stone. 

   Have I put on weight? 

   When did it happen, I wonder. The beach in Monkey Mia, I think.

   If it's a girl I could call her Mia, nickname Monkey.

   No. There's no baby.

   There can't be.

   I'm going to Asia with Steve in January. That's the plan. That's the future.

   I visit the botanic gardens but they're not as good as the botanic gardens in Sydney. 

   I go to Kangaroo Island. The sea is rough and I throw up over the side of the boat.

   I'm with a tour group. We go to see the seals and sea lions. They bask on the rocks, their fat bodies glistening in the cold sun.

   The tour guide tells us they have a short, brutal life, dodging predators and hunting for fish. He says he gets angry at anyone who thinks seals have an easy life lying around on the rocks all day.

   We see the Remarkable Rocks, the orangey arches and twists. We could be on a different planet. I wish I was. I wish I wasn't on the same planet as Steve.

   We travel in a four by four on rough tracks. The tour guide veers left and right, zooming over the bumpiest sections.

   I wonder if he's noticed my stomach, if he's trying to induce a miscarriage in me.

   Out of kindness?

   We eat kangaroo stew. There is something unsatisfying about kangaroo meat. I feel hunger in every part of my body.

   I am miserable back in Adelaide. Cold, wet and lonely.

   I miss Steve.

   I wish I didn't.



Chapter Thirty One


   

   

   

Comments

  1. Anonymous19/5/26

    Ah there you are. I looked on Sunday morning but you hadn't posted yet. I was worried you might have stopped. I'm glad you're still telling your story, difficult though it must be. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amy Chapman20/5/26

    Thanks for reading!
    I usually try to post early on Sunday but life got in the way last weekend and I couldn't post till the evening.

    ReplyDelete

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