Chapter Forty Eight
October 2003
Lucy is the only person I've told that Steve and I plan to give the baby up for adoption.
How do you tell people you don't want your baby? But maybe I do want my baby. They'll think I'm a monster.
At work I hear someone say to one of the women in my section, 'Does the girl who's pregnant have a boyfriend?'
'You don't have to have a boyfriend to get pregnant,' she says.
'So she doesn't?'
'She does but he's in Australia.'
They all assume Steve will be coming back in time for the birth. They all assume he's a decent man who'll do the right thing.
I can't bear to tell them that he's booked flights to New Zealand and Asia.
I'm not worth coming home for. I'm not worth doing the right thing for.
Steve asks me to tell him everywhere worth visiting in New Zealand. I send him a list of all the places I visited with information about them.
We can still travel together in Asia, once everything's sorted out here. We can still be together. It'll be like this never happened.
I ask him if he's sure this is the right thing. I don't want him to blindly agree with me because he feels he has to.
He says he's sure this is the right thing.
I visit a nearby city with my parents. I'm wearing low waisted combat trousers to accommodate my bump. My top rides up, exposing my stomach.
We pass a group of teenage girls. One of them stares at my stomach. She looks disgusted. I wonder if it's because I look too young to be pregnant or if she thinks I'm fat and should cover up.
Fiona and I go to see Finding Nemo. I almost cry at the beginning, the loss of the eggs, the babies. Then Marlin's relentless search for his son. That's what a father should do, not happily give their child up without ever seeing them like Steve plans to do.
I tell Fiona I found the film scary. She laughs at me. Normally she's the one easily scared. I tell her I think my hormones have gone mad.
Steve tells me not to watch any more scary films until he's with me to hold my hand.
Lucy has decided to move away to be closer to her new boyfriend.
'I know it's a big thing moving Erin,' she says but I need to move on with my life.'
'It'll be better for Erin if you're happy,' I say.
'Yeah, happy mum, happy child.'
If I kept this baby would I be a happy mum? I don't know... I'd be trapped with Steve and I'm not sure if he makes me happy.
'But what about rent? Would you be able to get a council house there?'
'No,' she says, 'but I'd still be able to have the rent paid by housing benefit.'
She'll be okay.
Everyone but me will be okay.
My mum comes with me to the scan. I give my details to the receptionist.
'Take a seat, Miss Chapman,' she says.
I hear the woman behind me give her details, 'Mrs Jennifer Green.' She's there with her husband. She looks much older than me. She seems to be judging me for being a young single mum who's there with her mum. Not like her a woman sensible enough to grow up and get married before having children.
The sonographer says it's against hospital policy to tell expectant parents the sex of their baby.
'Some people will terminate just because it's a girl,' she says.
The odds are stacked against us even before birth.
I'm certain this baby is a boy, though. I just know.
The sonographer prints out a photo for me. My mum asks if she can pay for an extra one.
Theres usually a £2 charge for extra photos, but the sonographer gives her one for free.
Afterwards we go to a café. My mum looks at the photo.
'My baby,' she says. 'You might be the one having it, but it's my baby.' She's joking.
'We don't think we're going to keep it,' I say.
Her expression changes. 'What do you mean?'
'We think we'll have it adopted.'
'Have you spoken to your doctor or midwife about this?'
I shake my head.
She sighs. She turns the picture over. She offers to come with me to my next appointment to ask about it.
I email Steve and tell him the scan went well, the baby is healthy with all the right organs and the right number of arms and legs. I ask if he wants to see the photo.
He replies saying he's glad everything is okay.
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